Boring weekends.
The only thing i can do at home is dance, watch tv, laugh to myself and sleep.
Pretty warm yesterday. Fed-up cause of the fan. hah.
I was wondering about what are blogs for.
Perhaps, i hate writing diary, but this is the only way to shoot out my feelings.
Well well, since nothing to post about, let me ask questions.
& this post is when I'm gonna let all my thinkings out now.

Why can't I be a good friend or good listener?
Simply cause I'm too anonnoying.

Why can't I have good friends and people who listen to me?
Maybe I'm not meant to be a friend, but a substitute.

Why people do this and do that?
Why some people wont think?
Why can't people know that I'm a friend?

ALOT ok, simply ALOT of things are running through my head.
Questions mostly.
& I can't find answers.
i'm not good enough. I agree.
I make mistakes. I agree.
I can't be perfect. I agree.
Most of all, I dont know how to change.
You might be reading this. & could you please give me advice?
Cause I'm simply tired of not being good enough and be there for every single one.

Sigh.
What is friendship?
Today was watching some sort of shows about friendship.
I thought.
I'm just like that main lead, who gets jealous when his bestfriend found a friend that knows his feelings. And the lead was like argh, who cares about you when you have a friend that can care for you.... Yeah but then the ending was like, no matter what your friend do to you. Theres always a place for them to explain.

Friends are what I called, an advisor and a good listener.
Friends are there when I am down.

In primary school and secondary school.
Every year, my friendship is not stablise.
The reason is simple, cause I can't find real friends.
When I was primary 5,
I was with this group of girls. We broke up cause of some issues and I decided to side friends who are weaker. I'm not a strong person by heart. But to not let others bully my friends or me, I got to act strong. Act as though, yeah thats me. Helping that weaker friend, I came to realise I'm being used.
I felt like a substitute. A soccer ball to my friends. When they need me to win, they try to snatch me, but when they use finish. They kicked me away.
When I come up to secondary school life. I thought that hey, I am fred from my terrible young days. But I was wrong. I simply couldn't find someone who can make a good friend or the opposite. I agree I've got lots of friends. But they are not long-last friends.
I smile just to try and forget the pain. However, it still leaves a mark in my heart.
I tried to ask myself.
Why can't I make myself a friend that everyone adores?
Cause I simply just couldn't burn that mark off.

I live in fear, and hatred.
I wanna break free.
I can, when theres someone who really put me in their hearts.